United Oui Stand

Attention all foreigners. You may not have been aware, but both major US political parties in our country are now blaming you for everything. For example:
- Why aren't enough Americans working? It's the damned foreign illegals or the damned foreign companies who are buying influence to keep hardworking Americans out of a job.
- Why no Cap and Trade? That would put us at a disadvantage with the foreigners.
- The economy is sinking, it's because the Chinese own our banks and the Arabs control our oil.
- Manadatory Health care insurance? Damn you Canadiens!

With such animosity, what is today's foreign country to do? Well you could try to fight us, but that would just make us fight back and you (and I) really don't want that, do we? No, a much more civilized solution is to become part of the United States.

Nations of the world, simply call (or text) us and ask how you can become part of the exceptional United States. With membership comes priveleges. If you act now, you can have your choice of having either a "red" state or a "blue" state designation. As a bonus, you will receive a democratic voice in governing this great land that we will now likely have to call the United States of the World, given that it will cover all the continents, not only the Americas.

Also, to all you currently non-American people, by joining the the US of W, you will likely actually have a leader who is more like you (but less corrupt), and is hampered by a very large Congress that can't get anything done. You will have access to our over-crowded public schools--but then a lot of you don't have any public schools. You will be able to set money aside for your retirement that will be guarenteed to be siphoned off by one of the parties. You will be able to worship in any church, mosque, or synagogue of your choice, as long as you accept Jesus as your personal savior and protest in a free-speech zone that is not anywhere close to what you are protesting.

Also, you will be able to help us out of the trillions of dollars in debt that we are in. that is the least you can do so that our grandchildren won't have to foot the bill for all the drunken sailor spending that has been going on.

Of course there will be some challenges to overcome, like will Iowa continue to be the first in the nation-state caucus in 2012 or will some ground have to be ceded to Dubai or some other middle eastern state? Will Federal workers get Ramadan and Tet off? Will sub-Saharan state residents have to deal with childhood obesity? Also, and very importantly, how will we fit all 244 stars on the US flag?

Given our history of developing an instant liking to everybody who is called an American (or now maybe "Worldian"?)--we will likely be more likely to love our brothers and sisters who live below the Mason-Dixon line (or perhaps the Equator) as long as they don't unionize and do learn English. So, no matter if you are living in the artic circle of in the land down under, we will welcome you with the same live and let live spirit that we did for native people on our current continent and immigrants (before the melting pot). Remember, we have a Manifest Destiny to live up to and you would be doing us a solid, as well as getting back into our good graces.

Imagine this, gone will be starvation, joblessness, and war (unless there is a civil war--but why? We're all Worldians now). It will also be easier to collect taxes from corporations who won't need to shelter their incomes in other countries' banks. And best of all, global climate change will be under control because we couldn't sit by while our fellow countrymen are being flooded out of their homes, could we?

And it just makes sense. We have known for years that if we spread our democracy around, all of you would eventually get on board. So why not now? Help the US be that uber-sized shining city on the hill that visionary giants like Ronald Reagan and Ayn Rand dreamed of. States of the world, unite!

The White Voter Problem

As you may guess, this election will be decided by voters. And, though I'm loathe to use a color brush to paint the picture, many will be white, myself included. Fortunately, others have felt our pain and have produced some sixty-five euphemisms so that we will not feel second-rate and can feel comfortable within our whiteness.

Examples are:

4. Hard-working Americans
10. Regular Americans
38. White Collar Voters
56. Bubba Voters

And, drumroll please...

66. My friends


Go here to enjoy more of them.

Apparently You Can Avoid Death, If Not Taxes in Iowa

From State Senator Joe Bolkcom's Networker

With all due deference to Senator Joe Bolkcom, who is doing a great job on behalf of Iowans--particularly with exorbitant car title loans/predatory lending practices!--This item about the recently passed sales tax on cigarettes has a humorous syntax problem...

"Congratulations to all the advocates that worked so hard to gain support for the $1 increase in tobacco. It will go down as a turning point in fight against the cancer and tobacco illness and death."

If the statement was true, my guess is that smokers would feel a whole lot better about paying those added taxes.